That struggle permeated ever part of my being. How I perceived relationships, how I looked at pop-culture, television, movies and music. I even hated the weather, and especially light. It seemed to me that the 80's had more shadows, more places to hide. The nineties seemed to shine a bright light on everything, making it harder to blend into the background.
Part of this was due my own personal struggles, but part of it was real. Technology was changing quickly and if look at many television shows and movies from the 80's and 90's, they got brighter with each passing year. The 'cozy' lighting disappeared as if someone barged in and turned the dimmer switch to it's highest level of brightness.
As I was making my way through the nineties, I moved from Jr. High to High School and eventually University. Although there were good moments, especially in High School, everything was covered with the heavy layer of hiding who I was.
I remember being on date and watching the movie School Ties. I wrote this bit once before when I profiled actor Randall Batinkoff. (HERE:): Although I loved the movie, the entire evening was a difficult experience. In addition to having to hide my arousal when during the shower scene, especially the sight of Matt Damon's butt, during the entire film I was preoccupied with what was to follow. Anyone who spent anytime in the closet remembers the fear. Worrying about what her expectations would be, would there be a kiss, would I have to fake feelings, would I be found out, would I hurt her.
I'm also gaining an appreciation of the images, and especially the artists who were shooting the male form during the decade. I didn't have a computer or even access to the Internet (except at school) during most of the decade, so my connection to images of the male form mostly came from magazines and male models like Marcus Schenkenberg, Tyson Beckford and Alex Lundqvist. There were also all those images from Bruce Weber in ad campaigns, not to mention Marky Mark in his Calvin's.
That process itself was intimate and personal. Today, a quick message on Model Mayhem or social media is all that's required to start communication. Usually it's between a photographer and model, so the question of whether they'll take their clothes off, is not as risky as it was doing it face to face with someone who's never modeled before.
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